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November 23 On The First Day of Thanksgiving My True Love Gave to Me...Wow. It's been awhile since I've been home. To be fair, home really is a relative term for me now. I haven't stayed overnight here since August, the only friend I've kept in touch with is Josh, and my family is moving to Trussville as soon as possible. In fact, my parents are out right now looking at a five bedroom they've found. It only makes sense for them to move given that my brothers and sisters go to HT High and Paine Elementary respectively, but even so it will be yet another aspect of my life that's different. I long for some stability right now.
All that aside, it's good to be back. I took a four hour nap today, very relaxing. I'm going to go play cards at Gregg's and then go see Harry Potter, again, maybe. I'm just happy to get to see friends that I haven't had the chance to see in three months. I'm faced with all sorts of possibilities for the next five days. I don't know what will happen.
I do know that I had fun last night with the group that went to Surin. Chris is fabulous, in every way. You guys kept me laughing all night. Cave9 was fun. I know a lot of you guys thought I felt uncomfortable there, but I didn't. I just wasn't in the mood for loud, loud, loud music.
I also know that anyone in the Greater Blount County area should call me so we can hang out, catch up, whatever. I miss you all.
~Gobble, gobble~ November 21 SentimentsI am more confused relationally than I have ever been.
I am suffering from a spiritual drought.
I am academically frustrated.
I am going to sleep. November 16 It goes down smooth/Top TenSo I stole the format from Josh. Whaddya gonna do, shoot me with your pistol, gunslinger?
Top Ten Reasons I love working in the Attic
10- I love the smell, taste, and energy of coffee
9- Freshman year I loved to sit and watch people work in the Cellar (former Attic) and wanted to work with them, NOW I DO!!!
8- I can study there, hang out there, goof off there, and work there at the same time
7- Nearly everyone on campus has come to the Attic at least once. I people watch like it's nobody's business.
6- I love the ecclectic mix of people that venture there
5- Hard core dancing or...The Attic Dance Party 05
4- I can stay up late and not feel tired the next day because I stayed up late with friends
3- Smooth Rider (Juliet's and my song)
2- My co-workers -> they are amazing
1- All the hugs, burrowing, and love I get to give to people when they come in the doors looking sad. Endorphines kids, they're reciprocal; you give, you get, it's a beautiful thing! November 14 Let goWhy am I so painfully awkward?
I am not a shy person. This is not how I usually conduct myself. I don't understand why I cannot look you in the eye or why when I do get a glimmer I suddenly forget out to formulate sentences. It's an enigma to me. I want to be able to carry on an intelligent conversation with you, to look you in the eye, to feel comfortable around you. Know that this is not me. Surely you realize it as you've witnessed me around others. Maybe this explains why I feel so awkward around you or why I become painfully giddy when you leave.
How did it come to this?
I am disappointed in you. I thought you were my best friend. I thought we'd be close throughout college and beyond. I was wrong. I know you think I've changed and what I've become doesn't have your blessing. Know that you've changed as well. I could tell in that knowing smile you flashed at me as I tried to tell you the latest happenings in my life. I can tell when you refuse to genuinely listen to my cries for help and when you only call if there's something you want. I miss what we had.
Why don't you understand?
Neither of the previous paragraphs are about you. I feel that I should add that disclaimer as I'm sure you'll read this. I know I ask for it in that I refuse to put people's names in here. However, it's still interesting to me that you read this messy, unorganized, unintelligent piece of work. It's diarrhea of the fingertips in its truest form. Know that if you have any questions about what you read here you can just ask. Never assume anything. Just ask. I'll answer as honestly as possible.
~if the leaves could turn then so could she~ November 10 Wait, they don't love you like I love youBehind me:
-speech
-spanish conversation
-quiz
-meetings
-PH
-BH
Before me:
-2 papers
-1 test
-book discussion
-Depinning
-Initiation
I'm halfway through the week of hell. November 08 The Festival of the Great Reunion/Josh's accountThis is what Josh had to say about this past weekend. Interesting, very interesting. Maybe I should be a theater major as I seem to have successfully fooled him and everyone else. Oh well, it makes for a good story.
The morning sun began to rise, a fine mist was in the air. The Byrdman lay in his small grove atop The Peak. He woke from his unsettling slumber. His sleep was filled with nightmares and horrid images. In his terrors he saw visions of Sad Angel. She would be in the fires of hell, burning in agony. Some would be of her with demons violating her perfect body, some would be of mutalation. The one that caused our hero to wake in cold sweat was the vision of Sad Angel laughing and enjoying the vile deeds around her, she drew a dark sword, it was the Wicked Chaos Blade. He saw himself fight off the hordes of demons and devils, only to have her slay him in monsterous betrayal. She smiled and laughed as she tore our hero limb from limb...
This vision truely disturbed our hero. The Byrdman, now looking around at the shambles his once glorious home here was in, began to wonder what to do. As he walked around the mess a small dove perched on his shoulder. The small delicate bird had a note tied to its leg. Our hero took the note and the bird flew off, he read words that he never expected to see.
My Dearest Byrdman,
I would like to extend to you an invitation.
I have moved from my old home and have
found myself in a place where my dreams
come true. This is a sacred place where
I finally fit in. We have a festival coming
in less then two sunset's time.
It would greatly honor me if you would
attend our great celebration.
My new home can only be reached
by those invited, so I have incased
a spell into this letter. When you finish
reading you'll see what I mean.
Please come, don't break my little heart!
~Signed, The Dryad Of Your Dreams
As soon as the final words of the letter left our hero's mouth, a becon of bright green light shot up out in the distance. It was so far that he did not know of what area it was. He knew he had nothing else to do, and figured a festival might increase his broken spirit. The Byrdman took flight as fast as he could towards the green pillar of light.
The Byrdman flew striaght through the day and night, it seemed like he would never reach the origin of this light. Finally he reached the pillar, he looked down to see a baron desert below him. This puzzled him greatly. How could a dryad live in a baron desert? As he reached the ground he felt himself pass right through the sand. It was an illusion. He passed down and found himself in a grand rich forest. This forest was thicker then any he had ever seen. He floated down to a path, the forest seemed lit by some magical means. He walked and walked, finally he reached a clearing. He saw many small huts and many small creatures of all types scurring about. From behind him he heard a familiar voice cry out. It was Onna, the little small fey he had helped ages ago. They had not seen each other in what seemed like eons.
The little dryad took our hero back to her hut. She had so many things to tell him. She told of how she was succeeding in her dreams, and how she had found a beautiful new life here with her new woodland friends. She told of how she thought she might be falling for a few of her male compainions. The Byrdman was so happy for his old friend. He was so glad to see her finally reaching the point in her life she so greatly deserved. She asked how things were with him, he told her some of the horrible things, but he held back the gruesome details. He didn't want to dampen her lifted spirits with his problems. They talked and laughed, shared stories, some happy, some sad. The little fey told him that everything would be all right, reguardless of what witches, demons, or angels had done to him. She was so excited, for the festival was tomorrow night.
The next morning she introduced our hero to her new friends, she seemed to know almost every creature in this forest. All of her compainions seemed very nice, and for the most part friendly. However, for the most part he knew that they knew that he did not belong there. He felt very uncomfortible here, he felt as though he was an infection in this otherwise place of perfection. But alas, he tried not to let the little fey know of his feelings, he was here for her, to make her happy. She told our hero that tonight was to be the night they were reunited as friends who had long been apart. The Festival of the Great Reunion she called it. The Byrdman just smiled.
That night the large fire burned, wonderful music filled the air, and the finest of wine and food were prepared. All the creatures came out and they were all dancing with one another. The Byrdman ate of the food here, it was the most wonderful food he had ever partaken in. He ate till he had had his full. The happy little dryad grabbed The Byrdman from his eating and the two danced and danced. The music and mood was almost intoxicating. However our hero has been at war for very long, he could not dance as long as the little fey. He bowed to her and said he would return. He sat across the fire and watched her dance the night away. Everyone here seemed so happy, they all fit right into thier own little place. He watched as others danced, some ate and drank, and some made love in the natural way that seemed to correlate with the winds of the earth itself. Then our hero looked at himself, he need not be here, he was an anomoly.
The Byrdman danced with the little dryad some more and the festival started to slow down. Everyone started to return to thier huts. The Byrdman waited until the dead of night, when the little fey was fast asleep. He got up and reached over to the little dryad, he wispered a soft thank you in her ear. She rustled just a bit, then settled. He plucked one of his feathers and placed it in her hand. He quietly left her hut and started out of the village. There were some of her companions laid out around the fires, passed quickly out by the fun of the festival. He walked and walked, until he could barely see some of the embers of the fires in the trees. He turned and looked at the new paradise that Onna had found, and knew that paradise is not where he belongs. He seems to have lost it all, and she seems to have gained the world... Balance is kept in the universe... One wins, one loses, one dies, another is born, so is the way of things.
The Byrdman flew up from where he desended, he flew up above the desert and landed down on it. This time he did not pass through the ground, it was real desert this time...
**EPILOUGE**
The footprints our hero left went back for miles and miles. The Byrdman just began walking, and wandering the desert. His walk was not an empty one however, his thoughts raced more then ever before...
The Byrdman, he was a lover to angels, he was a lover to devils, and he was a hero to all creatures big and small inbetween. He had fought war after war and came out alive. He had survived a curse no other had lived to tell about. He had been banished to the abyss, and fought his way back to earth. He had been hurt by those he hated and those who hated him. He had been killed by those whom he loved, and those who loved him. He had it all, and lost more then that. He had seen, felt, smelled, touched, and tasted things some can't even imagine.
All this, and now he wandered...
What is our hero to do? What will become of him?
Only those who spin the wheel of fate know the answer to that, but for now he walks, trying to find that which is not there...
One day he will find his place, one day...
One day, The Byrdman, shall fly again...
~The End~
" He seems to have lost it all, and she seems to have gained the world... Balance is kept in the universe... One wins, one loses, one dies, another is born, so is the way of things."
This reminds me of Sin City. "An old man dies, a young girl lives." Speaking of that movie, I keep reminding myself much like Bruce Willis' character to "get up old man" as I'll be up all night long.
~estoy cansada y quemada~ November 07 It's been awhile since I said I'm sorryI apologize. I haven't been myself lately and consequently have run out of creative juices. Here's what's happened/happening/going to happen.
Happened: -I had a panic attack alone in my room/in the caf/and again alone in my room. -I went and talked with someone. -It's getting easier to climb out of bed every morning. -I found a closer friend in Juliet than I had expected. -I was disappointed by a close friend. -Josh came to visit. -Josh made me smile.
Happening: -I'm catching up on work. -I'm working in the Attic. -I'm getting back to my normal, active self. -I'm growing closer to my sisters than ever. -I'm appreciating my faith more and more. -I'm learning to live alone. -I'm feeling better.
Going to Happen: -I'm going to give a speech. -I'm going to get enough sleep. -I'm going to get up in the morning. -I will not be silent anymore. -I will not pity myself. -I will not ask for pity. -I will thrive.
~I'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall~
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