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November 23 On The First Day of Thanksgiving My True Love Gave to Me...Wow. It's been awhile since I've been home. To be fair, home really is a relative term for me now. I haven't stayed overnight here since August, the only friend I've kept in touch with is Josh, and my family is moving to Trussville as soon as possible. In fact, my parents are out right now looking at a five bedroom they've found. It only makes sense for them to move given that my brothers and sisters go to HT High and Paine Elementary respectively, but even so it will be yet another aspect of my life that's different. I long for some stability right now.
All that aside, it's good to be back. I took a four hour nap today, very relaxing. I'm going to go play cards at Gregg's and then go see Harry Potter, again, maybe. I'm just happy to get to see friends that I haven't had the chance to see in three months. I'm faced with all sorts of possibilities for the next five days. I don't know what will happen.
I do know that I had fun last night with the group that went to Surin. Chris is fabulous, in every way. You guys kept me laughing all night. Cave9 was fun. I know a lot of you guys thought I felt uncomfortable there, but I didn't. I just wasn't in the mood for loud, loud, loud music.
I also know that anyone in the Greater Blount County area should call me so we can hang out, catch up, whatever. I miss you all.
~Gobble, gobble~ November 21 SentimentsI am more confused relationally than I have ever been.
I am suffering from a spiritual drought.
I am academically frustrated.
I am going to sleep. November 16 It goes down smooth/Top TenSo I stole the format from Josh. Whaddya gonna do, shoot me with your pistol, gunslinger?
Top Ten Reasons I love working in the Attic
10- I love the smell, taste, and energy of coffee
9- Freshman year I loved to sit and watch people work in the Cellar (former Attic) and wanted to work with them, NOW I DO!!!
8- I can study there, hang out there, goof off there, and work there at the same time
7- Nearly everyone on campus has come to the Attic at least once. I people watch like it's nobody's business.
6- I love the ecclectic mix of people that venture there
5- Hard core dancing or...The Attic Dance Party 05
4- I can stay up late and not feel tired the next day because I stayed up late with friends
3- Smooth Rider (Juliet's and my song)
2- My co-workers -> they are amazing
1- All the hugs, burrowing, and love I get to give to people when they come in the doors looking sad. Endorphines kids, they're reciprocal; you give, you get, it's a beautiful thing! November 14 Let goWhy am I so painfully awkward?
I am not a shy person. This is not how I usually conduct myself. I don't understand why I cannot look you in the eye or why when I do get a glimmer I suddenly forget out to formulate sentences. It's an enigma to me. I want to be able to carry on an intelligent conversation with you, to look you in the eye, to feel comfortable around you. Know that this is not me. Surely you realize it as you've witnessed me around others. Maybe this explains why I feel so awkward around you or why I become painfully giddy when you leave.
How did it come to this?
I am disappointed in you. I thought you were my best friend. I thought we'd be close throughout college and beyond. I was wrong. I know you think I've changed and what I've become doesn't have your blessing. Know that you've changed as well. I could tell in that knowing smile you flashed at me as I tried to tell you the latest happenings in my life. I can tell when you refuse to genuinely listen to my cries for help and when you only call if there's something you want. I miss what we had.
Why don't you understand?
Neither of the previous paragraphs are about you. I feel that I should add that disclaimer as I'm sure you'll read this. I know I ask for it in that I refuse to put people's names in here. However, it's still interesting to me that you read this messy, unorganized, unintelligent piece of work. It's diarrhea of the fingertips in its truest form. Know that if you have any questions about what you read here you can just ask. Never assume anything. Just ask. I'll answer as honestly as possible.
~if the leaves could turn then so could she~ November 10 Wait, they don't love you like I love youBehind me:
-speech
-spanish conversation
-quiz
-meetings
-PH
-BH
Before me:
-2 papers
-1 test
-book discussion
-Depinning
-Initiation
I'm halfway through the week of hell. November 08 The Festival of the Great Reunion/Josh's accountThis is what Josh had to say about this past weekend. Interesting, very interesting. Maybe I should be a theater major as I seem to have successfully fooled him and everyone else. Oh well, it makes for a good story.
The morning sun began to rise, a fine mist was in the air. The Byrdman lay in his small grove atop The Peak. He woke from his unsettling slumber. His sleep was filled with nightmares and horrid images. In his terrors he saw visions of Sad Angel. She would be in the fires of hell, burning in agony. Some would be of her with demons violating her perfect body, some would be of mutalation. The one that caused our hero to wake in cold sweat was the vision of Sad Angel laughing and enjoying the vile deeds around her, she drew a dark sword, it was the Wicked Chaos Blade. He saw himself fight off the hordes of demons and devils, only to have her slay him in monsterous betrayal. She smiled and laughed as she tore our hero limb from limb...
This vision truely disturbed our hero. The Byrdman, now looking around at the shambles his once glorious home here was in, began to wonder what to do. As he walked around the mess a small dove perched on his shoulder. The small delicate bird had a note tied to its leg. Our hero took the note and the bird flew off, he read words that he never expected to see.
My Dearest Byrdman,
I would like to extend to you an invitation.
I have moved from my old home and have
found myself in a place where my dreams
come true. This is a sacred place where
I finally fit in. We have a festival coming
in less then two sunset's time.
It would greatly honor me if you would
attend our great celebration.
My new home can only be reached
by those invited, so I have incased
a spell into this letter. When you finish
reading you'll see what I mean.
Please come, don't break my little heart!
~Signed, The Dryad Of Your Dreams
As soon as the final words of the letter left our hero's mouth, a becon of bright green light shot up out in the distance. It was so far that he did not know of what area it was. He knew he had nothing else to do, and figured a festival might increase his broken spirit. The Byrdman took flight as fast as he could towards the green pillar of light.
The Byrdman flew striaght through the day and night, it seemed like he would never reach the origin of this light. Finally he reached the pillar, he looked down to see a baron desert below him. This puzzled him greatly. How could a dryad live in a baron desert? As he reached the ground he felt himself pass right through the sand. It was an illusion. He passed down and found himself in a grand rich forest. This forest was thicker then any he had ever seen. He floated down to a path, the forest seemed lit by some magical means. He walked and walked, finally he reached a clearing. He saw many small huts and many small creatures of all types scurring about. From behind him he heard a familiar voice cry out. It was Onna, the little small fey he had helped ages ago. They had not seen each other in what seemed like eons.
The little dryad took our hero back to her hut. She had so many things to tell him. She told of how she was succeeding in her dreams, and how she had found a beautiful new life here with her new woodland friends. She told of how she thought she might be falling for a few of her male compainions. The Byrdman was so happy for his old friend. He was so glad to see her finally reaching the point in her life she so greatly deserved. She asked how things were with him, he told her some of the horrible things, but he held back the gruesome details. He didn't want to dampen her lifted spirits with his problems. They talked and laughed, shared stories, some happy, some sad. The little fey told him that everything would be all right, reguardless of what witches, demons, or angels had done to him. She was so excited, for the festival was tomorrow night.
The next morning she introduced our hero to her new friends, she seemed to know almost every creature in this forest. All of her compainions seemed very nice, and for the most part friendly. However, for the most part he knew that they knew that he did not belong there. He felt very uncomfortible here, he felt as though he was an infection in this otherwise place of perfection. But alas, he tried not to let the little fey know of his feelings, he was here for her, to make her happy. She told our hero that tonight was to be the night they were reunited as friends who had long been apart. The Festival of the Great Reunion she called it. The Byrdman just smiled.
That night the large fire burned, wonderful music filled the air, and the finest of wine and food were prepared. All the creatures came out and they were all dancing with one another. The Byrdman ate of the food here, it was the most wonderful food he had ever partaken in. He ate till he had had his full. The happy little dryad grabbed The Byrdman from his eating and the two danced and danced. The music and mood was almost intoxicating. However our hero has been at war for very long, he could not dance as long as the little fey. He bowed to her and said he would return. He sat across the fire and watched her dance the night away. Everyone here seemed so happy, they all fit right into thier own little place. He watched as others danced, some ate and drank, and some made love in the natural way that seemed to correlate with the winds of the earth itself. Then our hero looked at himself, he need not be here, he was an anomoly.
The Byrdman danced with the little dryad some more and the festival started to slow down. Everyone started to return to thier huts. The Byrdman waited until the dead of night, when the little fey was fast asleep. He got up and reached over to the little dryad, he wispered a soft thank you in her ear. She rustled just a bit, then settled. He plucked one of his feathers and placed it in her hand. He quietly left her hut and started out of the village. There were some of her companions laid out around the fires, passed quickly out by the fun of the festival. He walked and walked, until he could barely see some of the embers of the fires in the trees. He turned and looked at the new paradise that Onna had found, and knew that paradise is not where he belongs. He seems to have lost it all, and she seems to have gained the world... Balance is kept in the universe... One wins, one loses, one dies, another is born, so is the way of things.
The Byrdman flew up from where he desended, he flew up above the desert and landed down on it. This time he did not pass through the ground, it was real desert this time...
**EPILOUGE**
The footprints our hero left went back for miles and miles. The Byrdman just began walking, and wandering the desert. His walk was not an empty one however, his thoughts raced more then ever before...
The Byrdman, he was a lover to angels, he was a lover to devils, and he was a hero to all creatures big and small inbetween. He had fought war after war and came out alive. He had survived a curse no other had lived to tell about. He had been banished to the abyss, and fought his way back to earth. He had been hurt by those he hated and those who hated him. He had been killed by those whom he loved, and those who loved him. He had it all, and lost more then that. He had seen, felt, smelled, touched, and tasted things some can't even imagine.
All this, and now he wandered...
What is our hero to do? What will become of him?
Only those who spin the wheel of fate know the answer to that, but for now he walks, trying to find that which is not there...
One day he will find his place, one day...
One day, The Byrdman, shall fly again...
~The End~
" He seems to have lost it all, and she seems to have gained the world... Balance is kept in the universe... One wins, one loses, one dies, another is born, so is the way of things."
This reminds me of Sin City. "An old man dies, a young girl lives." Speaking of that movie, I keep reminding myself much like Bruce Willis' character to "get up old man" as I'll be up all night long.
~estoy cansada y quemada~ November 07 It's been awhile since I said I'm sorryI apologize. I haven't been myself lately and consequently have run out of creative juices. Here's what's happened/happening/going to happen.
Happened: -I had a panic attack alone in my room/in the caf/and again alone in my room. -I went and talked with someone. -It's getting easier to climb out of bed every morning. -I found a closer friend in Juliet than I had expected. -I was disappointed by a close friend. -Josh came to visit. -Josh made me smile.
Happening: -I'm catching up on work. -I'm working in the Attic. -I'm getting back to my normal, active self. -I'm growing closer to my sisters than ever. -I'm appreciating my faith more and more. -I'm learning to live alone. -I'm feeling better.
Going to Happen: -I'm going to give a speech. -I'm going to get enough sleep. -I'm going to get up in the morning. -I will not be silent anymore. -I will not pity myself. -I will not ask for pity. -I will thrive.
~I'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall~
October 25 Baby, It's Cold OutsideAs the weather has recently taken a turn for the cold I am reminded literally everywhere I go of my singleness so much so that I have become downtrodden and dispondent. Don't be mistaken; I love the winter. It's my favorite season. I love being bundled up in sweaters, thick socks, and boggins and walking around campus like the little boy from A Christmas Story. It's just that with all this blustery wind and chilled atmosphere I find myself longing for someone else to be cuddled up next to. I want an engaging book, warm blanket, cozy fireplace, hot cocoa, and that special someone to lean against as I enjoy it all.
Let me be clear: I do not want a relationship. I don't need one either. I have committed myself to far too many things to be able to be fair to the other party; however, over fall break I came to the realization that as the Holidays approach I am far more likely to spend them alone than with my crush/interest/whatever. As I have had a boyfriend for as long as I have permitted to have one, this is a rather difficult thought to swallow. It's not the gifts or the dates, it's the comfort of that person beside you to share in all the cheer.
Furthermore, the colder it gets the closer it is to Christmas, my favorite holiday. I was reminded of this yesterday when I had no one to sing "Baby, It's Cold Outside" with me in the stairwell. That is my all-time favorite seasonsal song and I want nothing more than to have someone to sing it with me. Oh well, one day it will happen. Until then...
~estoy inmigra y sola~
October 18 I'm not Wonder WomanWhat drives you?
I've felt for the first time in awhile. Tonight I ran. I ran away without any premonitions or precepts. It was while running that I began to hurt. I looked at my chest rising up and down. My lungs freezing, I realized the pain of everything I've committed myself to. Then, my knees began to ache and I felt a surge of hatred in that moment, hatred from jealousy. Next, I looked to my ankles and they began to flood with sores from loving unconditionally. That hurt the worst. I have terrible ankles, ever since ballet in 5th grade. My arms swelled with surface pain, new pain that I would not have known if I hadn't known you. I touched my cheeks, red, and knew that my classes caused the furrows in my brown, the lines by my eyes, the frown on my mouth.
I felt again. It hurt and I remembered the reason I'd allowed myself to become numb. Feeling sucks. I've been numb for so long that I forgot how deeply this emotional and physical pain is connected. It seems to be wired into my bones, in the marrow, so small that the synapses of my nerves surge with this interconnectivity. So fused together are these feelings that at the slightest release my entire body shuttered fully in its own disgust.
Was this numbness a kind of protective covering for me? Why have I clinged to this film so?
~And all the colors became so vivid as to blind her blue eyes~ October 12 I have confidence in sunshine. I have confidence in rain.This is just to tell Josh how much he means to me.
I cannot make a comment on your page because this computer is stubborn and won't let me so I'll just make an entry specifically for you. I miss you and I'm sorry that it seems as if you come out of one tragedy only to meet face to face with the next. Just know that I think you are the strongest, most sensible person I've met and I admire the heck out of you. Audrey should hold onto you as tightly as possible. She's got a jewel there. While I do agree that for most people it's necessary to venture out and "try on" people to find the best fit, I ardently believe that some people just know without all that searching. If you believe that the two of you should be together then by all means keep it going. I hope that she sees that and continues in that knowledge until the time arrives for you to consumate your relationship.
All that said, I love you and you can expect a special phone call from me sometime on Saturday. I'm in the middle of exams and wouldn't be of much help as far as listening/commenting goes. Oh, and can I just say that you're too hott in that picture?!
~The Dryad of Your Dreams~
You gotta purse your lips moreThere is always someone to make it better. Today, that person was Josh. I was stressed out about my history midterm, frustrated with Spanish, dirty from Bio Lab, and anxious about Japanese as I check my email earlier. I found a note from Josh and the history that he'd written about me as an attachment. He likes to write in a mystical style, for the most part, and I have been begging him to write one about our history for several months so, when I found this it made me feel a little better. It doesn't include all the details but, in Josh's defense, we've got a lot of stories between us.
Yet again, thank you.
The Lone Dryad
Once upon a time, a long time ago, there existed a great forest. In this forest lived many creatures, big and small. There was one creature in particular that shown above the rest. Her name was Onna, and she was a small dryad. She was smart and had big dreams of one day leaving the forest to do great things, but for these dreams she was ostracized by her people. One day the steam mechanical creature, Yantis Omegus and The Larva came walking through the forest. These two creatures were like none other that the little dryad had ever seen. She followed them for awhile, and watched them in amazement. They were from the outside world that she dreamed of. She approached them, and shared with them her dreams. They both began to laugh; they told her that no little dryad could make it in the world outside the forest and that she was stupid for thinking so. They left the forest never to return. Onna’s dreams were shattered so she retuned home, and they she stayed, hidden away for a long time. That is until one day, she had left her home that morning to venture down to the brook. There she saw someone she had never seen before, there was a man, washing his hands in the water, but this man had huge silver wings. This shocked our little dryad. The man heard her come down the path and turned and greeted her with a warm smile. She went closer to him; he introduced himself as The Byrdman. The Byrdman and Onna talked for hours until the sun started to set. He said that he must go, but he would return to talk to her, for he enjoyed her company and insight greatly. Everyday for several months The Byrdman flew back to the forest. Onna and he would talk all day long. She shared her dreams with him, and he encouraged her greatly to reach her dreams. This excited the little dryad; she once again had the spark in her. Now it has been some time since The Byrdman and Onna has spoken, for The Byrdman has been off fighting wars, and she has set off to reach her dreams, and adventuring out for herself. Every once and awhile their paths cross and they bring each other very needed uplifting, for The Byrdman’s life is a hard one, and the little dryad has a tough time herself. Things however, are looking up for Onna despite the tribulations that lie before her, for she is strong willed and surely will realize her dreams…
~As if these tears could wash away the mess that's left behind from you~ October 10 The most important questionWhy?
~And in a white sea of eyes I see one pair that I recognize And I know~ October 09 Typical Blog EntryA forewarning: This will be a typical blog entry. It will not be interesting, grammatically correct, or poignant. I don't have time for that, I just wanted to write down what I've done this weekend so that later on I can laugh about it.
No introspection. No observations. Just the news.
Friday earlier- I went to my brothers' football game. Hewitt Trussville vs Clay Chalkville. I held Katie and Morgan the entire time. Morgan fell asleep on me. So sweet. They light up my days these days. I want to be a kid again every time I see them. I'll see them again next Saturday when they come to school for Family Day. And the countdown begins.
Friday- The Fray and Ben Folds were awesome. I was pleasantly surprised by The Fray, of whom I had not previously heard. I was separated from Marcie and Kacey at the beginning of the main act and spent most of the show standing with Tommy Murphee, his little brother, Jenna, and her date. It was the first time since I've entered the single world that I actually felt as if I were missing out. It seemed that everywhere I looked people were holding on to or at least attached to someone in a loving manner. I'll be honest. I felt left out. Then, ten minutes before the show ended Ed found me and started dancing with me/playing with my hair/kissing me on the cheek. He was really drunk. I don't even know if he remembers this. Fun times. I hid from all boys that I thought had the slightest potential to ruin my evening and ended on an awesome note (pun intended indeed).
Friday later- I went to the row with Nikki, Marcie, Jessica Clark, and Ed. I started out at Sigma Nu, danced, drank a little. Britney confiscated me and took me over to KA, I had never been there before, and that's where I saw Patrick. We ended up having an awesome conversation- totally unexpected. I'm in awe at how the best things are placed in your path at the strangest times. There were no premonitions, no hints, nothing but a good time. I went over there figuring it would be awkward because I don't know very many KAs and came out with an escort back to the dorm, a good memory, and in a simply splendid mood.
Saturday morning- Driving School. It was not interesting enough to note really, except that I fell asleep during the movie.
Saturday- Big/Lil Revealing! Kerry Patterson is my lil and I could not be happier with the turnout. She's amazing.
Saturday night- I worked my first shift in the C-store. Sold douches, condoms, and an assortment of other goodies including a du-rag. David came and visited for the last hour I was there which leads to...
Saturday night later- when David watched Sex and the City while I cleaned my room. He actually knew what was going on. I was impressed. He stayed over- nothing shady I promise.
Sunday- I have too much to do and that's why this entry is finished. October 06 "He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain what he can't lose"Am I really that girl? The girl who ends up being hurt because every guy will momentarily fall for her because she's a good listener, and seemingly willing to hand out affection to anyone in need? Certainly I have said attributes. I have a quality in my eyes, or behind them rather, that lends the speaker to believe that I cling to his/her every word. If I have let my guard down enough for you to see what I really think then I honestly care about what you say. You would not be incorrect in saying that I possess an innate desire to comfort those around me. It hurts me to watch others hurt. But at what point do I stop and think of the ramifications of this ability. It's not inherently wrong to want to comfort others. Nor is it bad to be a good listener. My quandary is that I seem to fall into this category so easily that I have been hurt in certain instances and have become numb, cynical even, in my relational thought process. ------------------------ I should have told him what it all meant. But would it have made a difference? No, probably not. It's best this way. ~unashamed and unafraid I open the book~ October 05 "Do you know everyone?"All things lend to disorganization. Everything. So the question is... Why do we keep trying?
Maybe I've been watching too much Sex and the City. Maybe I want to be "in love in a movie." Maybe I've been single for a bit and have thus far seen what's on the "other side." Maybe I'm a cynicist. Whatever the reasoning I keep coming back to this question: Why do we keep trying? What innate part of our soul longs to be with another who shares the same dreams, same desires? Why can't we be happy with what we have?
I have a friend who is falling hard and another who is beaten down. We'll call them Friend A and B for lack of a better name/I'm lazy.
Friend A has found someone that makes her smile, holds her hand, cares for her deeply. Now I ask: Is this person the one for always or the one for right now. Furthermore, how can you ever unearth the answer to this question? It's impossible, especially if you take into account those that are married more than once. Which one was right for them, the first, or the second?
Friend B believes that he will never find the person for him. He is in a constant state of depression because of this and takes his misery out on those around him. Now I ask: Has he not found his dream girl because she indeed does not exist? Or, is it because he refuses to take the initiative in searching out this soul mate? I would also like to add that Friend B is inflicted with the disease of falling in love with whomever he spends the majority of his time. To this I say: I have more worries for Friend B because what if he gets married, but spends an insurmountable amount of time in the office? Will he fall for his secretary? co-workers?
These are my observations as of late. I know that I am in no way worthy of stating these beliefs in front of said friends as my "love life" is nonexistent as of late. It just appeases me to write it down instead of keeping it locked within myself.
------------------------
On another note:
My life has been drama-free for two days and counting! Thank goodness. After a random phone call from Cam, an unexpected admirer, and an extra helping of emotional baggage I was ready to throw in the towel.
Today I have no obligations after 5:30, no meetings, no places to go, no people to see. I'm ecstatic. I can be a normal college student and do homework in my secret spot (don't ask, I won't tell) and simply enjoy the afternoon.
I'm feeling a movie night, or walking, we'll see.
~and still I stand, face against the wind, arms open wide~
October 01 I'm a square/Sentence fragmentsHave you ever played a game that made you dislike yourself?
Back from Leadership Studies Retreat. Despondent. Don't like my thought process. Selfish. Square, in every facet. Pharisee, in nearly every facet. Back porch swinging. Bonding. More interesting gazes. Questions. Invariable need for people. Alone time. Miss Josh. Tear. Alpha Cool. In. Riboflavin. In everything. Never neverland. In. Duty.
Out.
~And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders~ September 26 So the question is... Is there another sentence?Do you ever have one of those days when you wake up and think "This is going to be one of those days"?
This is one of those days. It's one of those times when your inability for delayed gratification has culminated in mounds of homework, stress, and anxiety. It's one of those days when the weather matches your mood. When you look outside you shrug your shoulders and say, "Of course. I'm not surprised." Despite my optimistic plans of completing all my homework on Friday evening, I chose to download crappy music, watch movies, and stay up til 4 am. Saturday, I went to the Mississippi St. vs Georgia game and did not read on the way to Starkville as I had planned. Yesterday, I went to a very tense luncheon with my family and spend the rest of the evening worrying about how they view me and my relationship choices, or lack thereof. On the whole it was a rather parabolic weekend as far as emotions are concerned.
One amiable moment:
Last night after our routine RA Hall Meeting I had my personal time with Kris, the House Director, aka My Boss. We are supposed to utilize this time in discussion of our various issues concerning our halls and such but Kris and I ended up laughing until it hurt while talking about boys. She has a fetish for firemen and I, having the access to them that I do because of my father, have invited her to come with me next time I go to Mt. Brook to visit. She's ecstatic. It was hilarious. Oh boys. I don't understand you. I can't read your signals, if there are any. They should offer classes on male signal reading.
To sum it up this is what I learned this weekend: Goooooo Dawgs! Sick 'em. (enter mean barking sound here)
~un animo nublado~ September 23 Starting anew...How could I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Yes, I'm stealing this format from a well-known television show. I don't care. Enjoy.
It's interesting that that best moments of introspection for me have come in very inconvenient, inopportune packages. I enjoy structure. I was raised in a family that placed such importance on organization that I have continued this tradition rather happily. That said, I'm beginning to feel out my own perspective. Usually this occurs during the first year of college- most of my friends have "figured themselves out" already. I haven't. I know it's a gradual process that won't fully culminate until the hereafter, but I'm getting a late start on these moments of introspection.
Not going home has played a major role in this exchange. One would think that being away from Cleveland with its conservative values, over-protective tendencies, and tough love might lend me the ability to completely disregard everything I've been taught and choose liberal values, care-free tendencies, and open love. It hasn't. In fact, I find myself grasping for remnants of the aforementioned "family values." I still settle somewhere in the middle on the whole but cannot escape those things impressed upon my soul from the start.
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On another note I wish to thank those who have seen through the facade, cared, and quenched my thirst for meaningful conversation. There are no empty words with you, such that I feel more comfortable, more at ease around you than many of the acquaintences I've made in the past month. Whether you wish to call it a kindred spirit, soul mate, best friend, or rather have no known phrase to describe our gatherings, it's evident that there is more to uncover and I welcome such opportunities at the most inopportune moments you can conjure.
~una alma gemela~ September 16 Facade"What useless affection, Catalina. How useless. What can you say to me? Do you think you've finally found the words you never dared to say? Today? How useless. Just keep quiet. Don't allow yourself the luxury of an empty explanation. Be true to the facade you always put on; be true right to the end." -a quote from The Death of Artemio Cruz. This is for my Latin American History class with Dr. Nicholas. I'm enjoying it although this book is very stream of consciousness. SOC annoys me to no end. Thus, when I came across this passage I found it highly relevant to the situation and it brought light to the last 22 pages. Carlos Fuentes, probably the best Latin American writer of our age, does a masterly job of invoking the character of Artemio Cruz and seems to have captured the essence of his very compelling story. I sound like the back of a book. That is all for now. ~La chica bien lea~ September 14 I've been reminded...As I reflect on the past four weeks I am reminded of how quickly and sometimes drastically things can change. Over the past four weeks I have:
-lost a boyfriend of 2 years and 9 months.
-realized my inability to cope with emotional issues.
-missed my family terribly.
-realized that no matter how much you love and care for someone, sometimes you just can't be together.
-missed the comfort of a boyfriend/best friend to talk with, share with, etc.
-realized that it is possible for other guys to be attracted to me (apparently I'm "cute").
-missed opportunities to share my faith with others.
-realized that God's grace is truly sufficient in both times of need and abundance.
-gained a sister (K.A. I couldn't be happier with your decision).
Now it's time for some stereotypical song lyrics. Don't read them if you wish. I do, however, expect a certain few to join me this evening as I return to my late night traditional trek around the belltower after UCF. Maybe we'll sing again kids.
How deep the Father's love for us How great the pain of searing loss
It was my sin that held Him there
Why should I gain from His reward? |
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